


Is It So Strange To Love You?

by Feralious



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 21:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6094771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feralious/pseuds/Feralious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony had made a lot of mistakes.</p>
<p>He had never made the mistake of loving someone he shouldn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is It So Strange To Love You?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kayytx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayytx/gifts).



> Because my dearest friend loves Stony and would read a story about them just sitting on the couch together. Also angst and Steve being the one to fuck up for a change.
> 
> Sorry babe, couldn't fit a hot tub in somewhere.

It’s strange, how one little thing can change your past, your present, and your future.

Tony had never thought he _had_ a future, not like this, anyway. The few times he had fallen in love he had been hurt, but he had thought this time it would be different. He doesn’t even know _why_ exactly.

Maybe because he’d thought that Steve was different, but as it turned out, he was not.

It’s strange, contemplating all this with the blond haired man sitting right next to him, sharing the couch but not as close as usual. Tony thinks it’s only fitting. After all, even if his heart hurts at the thought, he supposes that’s what their relationship is now like, too.

Not as close as usual. Does that mean it could ever go back to the way it was?

Tony doesn’t know.

Tony is not sure he _wants_ to know, either, because that would mean thinking about Steve, thinking about what they had, what they could have, and thinking about it _hurts_. Hurts like it does now. Like it does looking at him, this sad, distant look in his eyes, even if he’s not looking at him.

Tony doesn’t know if the reason Steve isn’t looking at him is because it hurts him, too, or if it’s because he just can’t. Can’t look at the man he hurt this much, because Tony knows, he knows that Steve hates himself for what he’s done, and it kills him to know that, because no matter what, Steve does not deserve to hate himself.

Tony knows, because he’s familiar with the feeling.

Steve had apologized, of course he had, and Tony had told him it was fine, more out of habit than anything else. Tony isn’t used to coping with this kind of situation; whenever things had gotten fucked up, it had always been his fault, and even now, he struggles to see how it wasn’t.

Steve had told him, had told him that he had been wrong, that he shouldn’t have said the things he had no matter the reason.

Tony thought he had had plenty of reason – it had been his call that nearly got Clint killed, all because he thought that they could handle the last of these attackers, when Steve had told them to fall back.

Steve had called him self-destructive. That was nothing new.

He’d also called him arrogant, and hey, it wasn’t like he hadn’t heard that before.

He had also called him selfish, and okay, that had kind of hurt.

Tony had thought Steve understood, by now. Understood that he tried so hard to function as part of this team, that he would give his _life_ to protect the others.

Of course he didn’t tell him, but he’d die a thousand times over to protect Steve.

Steve hadn’t understood, though. Had yelled at Tony about how he needed to obey orders, even when he didn’t agree. Tony had asked him if he always made the right call. Steve told him it wasn’t his job to question him.

Tony asked him if he never made mistakes. Steve told him loving him was.

Tony had paled, shutting down. Had never heard Steve swear before, but at that moment he had, before telling him that’s not what he’d meant. That it meant making himself vulnerable to the fear of losing him, to questioning his decisions in the battlefield, because it’s him, it’s Tony, it’s _them_ , and losing Tony wouldn’t be like losing another soldier.

It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

Steve had kissed him, had whispered to him to please talk to him, that he was sorry, that he shouldn’t have said that, but all Tony could hear was the words ringing through his head.

It was easy to believe it was a mistake to love you when you believed you were unworthy of being loved, anyway.

Least of all by someone like Steve.

In the end, he just hadn’t wanted to talk about it anymore. Wished Steve would believe him when he told him it was fine. That he would just drop it.

Now that they’re sat here on the couch, not talking, he’s not sure if that’s what he wants at all.

Had this been the first fight he’d had with Steve, he thinks he might have been able to handle it.

Truth is, deep down he feels that this might be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Steve had told him he was insecure, once. That he shouldn’t care so much what other people think.

Tony said that was easier to do when you were a national hero, rather than Tony Stark. Steve hadn’t liked that. Said he shouldn’t put himself down like that. Said everybody makes mistakes.

Tony had made a lot of mistakes.

He had never made the mistake of loving someone he shouldn’t.

He glances at him again, once more doubting anything he’d ever told him. Knowing he has to break the silence and tell him what’s on his mind, but he can’t, or he won’t, because as suffocating as the silence is, breaking it would hurt infinitely more.

It’s strange, looking at your future and knowing he’s everything you’ll never have.


End file.
